Tai ne straipsnis, tai ilgas laiškas kurį parašė Mandinho, bėja šio laiško aš neprašiau leidimo, kad galėčiau platinti, o paėmiau ir išplatinau, savo noru. Žinau, kad jis to norėtų. Laiškas labai įdomus.
A BIT SERIOUS TALK. VERY LONG. DONT NEED TO READ IN CASE NOT FEELING TO.
Its been a long time i'd like to talk about it, but as my mother was still alive and it would affect her a lot, i never turned it public.
It will benefit me, because i find it a help to share, and hopefully others that feel in same spot as i do.
I want to talk about panic syndrome, depression and anxiety.
Its not the topic you expect hearing from a football player, but its really present in my life and probably in many other athletes too (as in a huge part of our society).
Took me long time to understand what was going on with me. Maybe with this text other people will realize it much earlier than i did.
I could say that since my young ages i had some moments where i would feel anxious. I have a bit unusual story of losses and my whole family was affected with it. Specially my mom.
I remember crying one day, hiding from my parents because my sister, who was a baby still, got ill and had to make a lot of important exams and i thought she would die. I promised myself to never have a child... i didn't want ever to feel that way again.
All this condition was hidden in my youth time, mostly because of football and friends. I had wonderful teenage years. Full of adventures and dreams. Of course some problems, specially at home, but i feel that i was the happiest boy ever.
Then, i graduated from school, and took a step out of my home. That was when everything started.
My body was always over sized to a football player standard. Added to my personality to never allow myself give up, i did everything to loose weight and to add the last piece to my game to become a professional football player. I went below my weight. I couldn't eat normally anymore. I started to suffer from eating disorders. from 81 kg (which was tested to be my best weight) i went to 67 kg.
To be fair, it got to a point that became easier to loose weight, Some of the teams i played were really good, Some not. in some i faced hunger, violence and even an eminent possibility of rape.
That's when i left Brasil, Went to Denmark and was by far my best years in Europe. I had a real life again. Had wonderful peiple around me.
Sill, i had few moments where i started not wanting to go out of home and started feeling weird signs.
I wasn't the same anymore. The nickname that followed me for many years, "The Pitbull", didnt' fit on me anymore. Things started to turn dark.
Moved to Lithuania, fell in love, married. Finally felt happiness again. But always with some really dark moments...
Just after our marriage we went to Brasil and i broke my arm. Not only that. I broke our dreams.
The 10 hours waiting for medical treatment, plus the 6 months waiting for a contract damaged a lot my mind and my spirit. I kept pushing and ignoring everything and everyone.. I never stopped training. Started running with stitches still on, 2 days after surgery. I just went through everything and every feeling i had as a truck driver with no breaks.
I never asked for help. I never told anyone how i really felt. Eventually i started hurting people i loved and who loved me. They never understood me. How could they? I never told.
I didn't tell i was afraid. I never told i doubted i could make it. All i did was to guaranty to anyone of them i would and i did.
But again, it payed a really expensive price. I started being alone. I started isolating myself to everyone i really cared. I was protecting them... from me.
I got my career back. We decided to have a child and thought the best place to raise her would be in Europe. We were right about that.
But was exactly on that moment that my life changed forever. I became a father. I became the happiest man in the world and i got Ill.
The pregnancy was really difficult and we decided to keep her close to her family, while i was abroad playing.
Here is when i know i was really not fine.
I couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. I waited for news all the time. I was a guy who never had the phone with me. Lived 2 years in Denmark without even having a mobile. Now i had one glued to my hand and could not switch it off. Never.
I felt i was annoying my family and friends with my fears and i just closed myself in my own world, waiting for news.
Football wasn't funny anymore. football is a job where every minute everything can change, for good and bad. You are a hero till the next game only. Till the next mistake. Till the next injury.
There were games that i was going to play and just before arriving at the stadium i got the news that probably she was loosing the baby... Remember getting substituted and going directly to dressing room to read the sms that they were fine. Didn't tell anyone.
Pressure gets really high when u have a family to take care of. U don't become happy anymore. Best you can feel is a relieve, not for long... for few hours. till the next training, till the next defeat, till the next coach...
I didnt see her birth. I had a very important game on the same day. Her mom called me while she was giving birth... and i got the news from her family.
Through the next years i had many ups and downs. Some moments where i could experience some kind of happiness and some really dark moments. I decided to not live away from my family anymore. That was probably the best time of my adult life.
And then... in a spare of 2 years, my godfather got ill, grandmother got ill. my grandmother died... my mom got ill.
My mother was the person who helped me most in life. The only one who supported me regardless. She was the one i could rely being myself. Suddenly couldn't anymore. I was going to loose her.
Then everything went out of control. I couldn't sleep without my daughter. Everything was a huge sacrifice to me. Basically everything. Going to the market was a stress. Going to the beach was a stress. I felt safe only at home, with my family. Every newspaper i would read would make me anxious, id picture my beloved ones on that situation. Could only watch comedies. I was afraid. Scared. Not for me. I needed to know they were fine, safe and healthy.. only then i could have any moment of rest.
I would turn off my phone only during my games. Would write them just before switching off and immediately after the game.
I would sleep with my phone next to my ear waiting for my moms messages. I lived intensively her cancer. Started being afraid of every health exam i had to do.
I lost everything and everyone.
And then.. came the call i waited for 2 years.
basically said this...
-go to Brasil now. your mom will die in few days.
Exactly a week later she died.
Then i found myself, looking at her and thinking.. "I didn't solve this one. I couldn't make it. All the stress. All the toughness, all the fights.. didn't work." Till the last moment i truly believed things could be changed. She was gone.
I lost the person who loved me most. It hurt a lot. Hurt a lot to see her that way. Hurt so much that i asked help. I got help. I got my people back. I found myself again.
Its not easy. Sometimes i still feel how i felt before. But ironically am not alone this time.
My strength always relied on people i had around. Always said i have the best people with me. Wasn't the smartest decision to try doing things alone and expecting it to work.
So here is the message i wanted to send.
Talk.... ask for help. Its not normal to feel afraid all the time. People will not leave you because you are not the most pleasant person on earth. There is no shame in feeling week. Its part of life. We are just people... there are no heroes here.
kisses to all of you,
Pitbull is coming back